You’ve already done something hard. You’ve recognized that your child is struggling and decided to do something about it. Now you’re facing the next challenge, actually bringing it up with your child.
I’ve had to have this conversation more than once. Each time was hard in its own way. And the biggest thing I’ve learned? This is a process, and that process is almost never a straight line. You might get a yes right away, or you might be met with a wall. You might find the perfect fit on the first try, or it might take longer than you’d like. Introducing the concept and need for therapy to your child can look different for each child, so let’s talk about it.
Expect Some Resistance
Let’s be honest, most kids don’t ask for therapy. And a lot of them push back when it’s suggested. Don’t be surprised if you hear any version of the following responses when you bring it up to your child.
- “I’m fine.”
- “I don’t need therapy.”
- “Therapy is for crazy people.”
- “I’m not talking to some stranger about my problems.”
- “You can’t make me talk.”
Younger kids are often just scared of the unknown. Older kids and teens worry about being labeled or having their friends find out, or it can scare them that maybe something is really wrong with them. And sometimes, honestly, the resistance is just about the fact that a parent suggested it, which is its own very normal thing.
None of this means therapy is the wrong call. It just means you need to expect some pushback and be ready to stay with it even when the first conversation doesn’t go smoothly.
But First — What If Your Child Asks for Help?
This doesn’t happen as often, but it’s too important to skip over: if your child comes to you and says they want to talk to someone, please take it seriously and act on it quickly.
I’ve heard through my own kids about friends who finally worked up the courage to tell their parents they were struggling, and their parents brushed it off. I know some of these parents, and I don’t think they are trying to hurt their child, but sometimes they are overwhelmed, they think this will just blow over, or they just don’t know what to do. But when a child asks for help and doesn’t get a real response, I have seen that relationship shift. They stop asking. They pull away from their parents, and they may start to believe that what they’re feeling isn’t serious enough to matter.
Most kids don’t ask easily. By the time they say it out loud, they’ve usually been sitting with it for a while. So if your child comes to you, acknowledge it right away, even if you can’t act on it immediately. It can be as simple as:
“I’m so glad you told me. Let’s figure this out together.”
“Thank you for trusting me. I’m going to find someone you can talk to.”
How You Talk About It Matters
Before you have the conversation about therapy with your child, think about your child’s age. A seven-year-old and a fifteen-year-old most likely need completely different approaches.
With younger kids, you can keep it simple. They don’t necessarily need to understand exactly what therapy is. It may be more important that they understand what it will feel like or what will happen when they meet with someone. “You’ll get to play games and talk, and this person will teach you some tricks for when you feel really upset or scared.” That’s enough. They may have more questions later, but this may be enough to get started.
With tweens and teens, you may need to be more direct. Name what you’ve noticed. Tell them you’re concerned. And give them some say in the process where you can. These may be things like who they see or what they talk about. If you have a teen, you know that they often resist things that feel forced on them. Giving them even a small amount of control can help make it a little easier.
One thing I’ve found helpful across all ages: sometimes the word “therapy” itself is the barrier. It carries a lot of baggage, stigma, fear, and the idea that something must be really wrong. That said, you don’t have to lead with it.
In our house, we talked about building a “toolbox of skills” for handling big feelings. We described the therapist as someone who was “just theirs,” not a teacher, not a parent. Someone they could talk to and share how they are feeling and what is going on in their life. Sometimes that framing worked. Sometimes it didn’t.
What to Actually Say
A few things that tend to help, regardless of age:
Start with what you’ve noticed, not with blame. “I’ve noticed you seem really stressed lately, and you haven’t been sleeping well. I’m concerned about you.” That’s very different from “You’ve been impossible to be around.” One opens a door. The other closes it.
Be clear that this is support, not punishment. Kids sometimes hear “therapy” and think they’ve done something wrong. Say it plainly: “This isn’t because you’re in trouble. I just want you to have someone you can talk with.”
Be specific about what you’ve noticed. Vague concern is easy for a kid to brush off, and easy for them to turn back on you with “you worry about everything.” But when you name something concrete like “you’ve seemed really down lately, and you’re not sleeping” or “you’ve been getting angry over things that didn’t used to bother you,” that’s a lot harder to dismiss (but believe me, they will try).
You Don’t Have to Find the Perfect Fit Right Away
Finding a therapist you like is hard, and I want to be honest that you may not be able to get the therapist you really want right away. Waitlists are real. Good therapists get booked up. This is especially true for therapists who accept insurance (I will be writing more about that in a future post).
We ran into this ourselves. The therapist we had identified was not taking new clients. Rather than put everything on hold, we found someone to work with in the interim, a bridge, because we felt that some support now was better than nothing, and we did not know when or if the other therapist would open up spots. When the therapist we’d originally wanted became available, we made the transition. And that turned out to be the relationship that has lasted.
I will be honest here. Starting and stopping can feel like two steps forward and one step back. It can be discouraging for you and for your child. But sometimes that back-and-forth is just part of finding what works.
After your child has had a few sessions, check in with your child. Not in an interrogating way, but genuinely: how is it going? Do you feel comfortable talking with this person? You can offer to make a change if it’s not working or encourage them to stick with it a little longer if they’re on the fence. That conversation alone can go a long way toward making them feel like they have some say in the process.
When They Refuse
With younger kids, you have more authority to guide this process, and it’s okay to use it with kindness. “We’re going to try this. I know you’re nervous, but I need you to give it a chance.” You’re not asking permission, you’re telling them the plan while still being kind and supportive about it.
With teens, it’s trickier. You can make them go. You can’t make them talk. And therapy doesn’t help much if someone is completely checked out. One thing that tends to work better than an ultimatum is a short-term commitment:
“I’m asking you to try three sessions, just three. After that, if you really hate it, we’ll talk about what to do next.”
Three sessions may feel more manageable. And often, once teens actually get there and see that it’s not what they feared, they’re willing to keep going.
It can also help to talk to the therapist before your teen’s first appointment. Therapists who work with teens have seen every version of resistance; they’re not going to be surprised. Let them know what your child’s concerns are, what they’ve said, and what they’re most worried about. A good therapist can use that information to meet your child where they are from the very first session, rather than starting from scratch.
The Hardest Part — When You Can’t Make It Happen
I want to be honest about something, because I have talked to a lot of parents and know that many of us have lived this, and it keeps us up at night.
As kids get older, your ability to require therapy shrinks. By the time they’re 17 or 18, and especially once they’re young adults, the decision is theirs. And sometimes, despite everything you’ve tried, they still say no. That’s one of the hardest things about parenting a kid who is struggling, knowing that help exists and not being able to make them take it.
The worry of that, and sometimes the frustration of watching your child refuse help that you know is available, is real. The truth is, you just love your kid and want to support them, but sometimes they need to be the ones who decide when and if they will accept the help that is offered.
What you can still do: keep the door open. Tell them that if they ever change their mind, you’ll help them find someone. Say it and let it sit, no arm-twisting, no constant reminders. And then take care of yourself. This is honestly one of the hardest things I have had to navigate, and working through the feelings that come with it is an important part of caring for yourself so that you can keep caring for your child.
Kids who refuse at seventeen sometimes find their way back as they get older. You can’t always see how the story ends from where you’re standing right now, but you can continue to provide support from a distance.
One Last Thing Before You Start
You don’t have to do this perfectly. The conversation doesn’t have to go smoothly. Your child doesn’t have to say yes the first time.
Even if it feels like your child is pushing you away, it is important that they know that you are in their corner. I am a firm believer that showing up is always better than looking the other way. It’s a delicate balance, pushing enough to get them help without pushing them further away, and there’s no perfect formula for it. You just keep trying.
Next week I’ll talk about something that trips up almost every parent at this stage: the difference between a therapist, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist, and how to figure out which one your child actually needs. It’s more confusing than it should be, and we’ll sort through it together.
If you’re still weighing whether your child actually needs professional support, two earlier posts in this series might help. How to Tell if Your Child Needs Mental Health Help walks through the signs to watch for, and When Should Your Child See a Therapist? Signs It’s Time to Act helps you figure out when it’s time to take the next step and find support for your child. Sometimes the hardest part is knowing where you stand before you can move forward.